Dreams: October 2005


Dreams are answers
       to questions
       we haven't yet
       figured out
       how to ask.

First diwali abroad...

Sunday, October 30, 2005
Well this may sound a bit depressing... cant help it.. !

I dont feel any different that I am celebrating Diwali in USA.... where you are not allowed to fire crackers... where you meet up in a community center, where every one wants to force the thought in the atmosphere that "It is Diwali..celebrate !!!" The air doesnt smell of the festivital, the market doesnt go mad with shopping extravaganza.... No ! There is nothing that can anyway bring you even a bit closer to diwali as in India. So people, however much they try to find a way out, deep within know that these are all make-believes! Reality is they all miss Diwali.

I still do not feel the aching.... that is to say any new sting of pain. I have reached the states only a month now.... but I feel I am away from home for 5 years now. I left home, when I started on my own.... Since then, there's always been an aching... any place in the whole world, other than the place where I grew up...remained and will be an alien ! I might create a new world... but I would always be the creator.... not a part of it..... It is very difficult to detach oneself from the home that saw you grow. I try my best, but cannot ceebrate any festival with the zest of those days... Is it the people I used to be with or the place, I do not know... Only I know is a longing for something, that I know I have left back 5 years back....

I dont know, if I can again become a part of that circle... that pulls me inside .... taking away my longingness... giving me the peace of mind and the joys of small moments... that are not tied with occassions or place !

I am looking for that happiness, that is within me... the light that enlightens my heart.... an eternal smile that never leaves my lips...

I want to celebrate Diwali, again!