Dreams

I saw fire today,
Cold and dry fire, from my AC car,
Meaningless to eyes,
Like yet another roadside act,
Incoherent, insignificant, intruding,
With a detached heart,
I saw fire today.

Atypical place and a wrong time,
What if there is a nude show of Penury or
A fiery dance of the Tandava,
Who cares for what fuels this fire,
Anguish, angst or anger
Busy traffic, late to office, self-occupation,
I drive past the fire, safely.

Sets of mobile, models of car, types of cuisine
I know all, but still can’t differentiate,
Between a stray dog, a pothole or
A poor man …
Who I saw caught in the fire today,
I cannot differentiate,
I simply avoid.

Every noon, we used to play with bricks at the backyard
One day we made a doll-house.
We cooked food with rice and turmeric,
with a pinch of salt and chilli –
all borrowed from my mother’s kitchen.
It was not cooked on fire but still it was nice,
my mother said so.
It was quite an affair
when the doll house witnessed our doll’s marriage
and this time, mom gave some real food for the guests
We had invited the watchmen’s family for the wedding.
At home, others were celebrating
India’s victory over Pakistan in a one day match.
Next day, the doll house was broken,
Now right in the midst of the road were three pillars –
We needed wickets for our match of cricket.
Every day the bricks transformed into varied shapes…
And we saw all shades of dreams in those saffron solids
Until one day, when my father took a day off from work
And had the watchman gather all the bricks….
that were lying “uselessly” in the backyard-he felt.
My study room was getting constructed.
Remains of my crushed playmate
were like the drops of tears in my eyes….
Heavier than the rectangular weights was the feeling of loss….
I was taught to write my name in the school,
So I ran and scribbled proudly my first autograph.
Today after 25 years, I am sitting in the study room.
It is vacant for last 10 years….
Books adorn the shelves but loneliness prevails all around.
Amidst memoirs of several charts on the painted walls,
I can see vivid images unknown to many.
I am sure my mother visits the room often
to look for what I am trying to see now….
The brick with my name inscribed.
I know the room is vacant for 10 years now,
But my mother finds me here every day…
Strongly holding the memories of my childhood
In the brick house that I created years back.


© Amita Paul 2004 23rd December

... something, if at all, is discussed as a subject matter of some joke. We, i mean the married ones for significantly long period of time (>2 years atleast), start taking marriage "too much for granted". We associate marriage with mostly things that it does, helps family, sometimes problems, sometimes solutions. No wonder for most, it starts becoming a burden, a cage and hence, ofcourse a subject matter of joke. You laugh it out, when you can't do anything else !

Recently, one of my friends got married and he made me think about marriage, again. He is same, simple guy, who doesnt express a lot. But I can see how happy he is. Earlier, he left office to go nowhere or wherever! Now, he leaves office (mostly on time) to head off straight home. He knows there is someone waiting the whole day just for him to return. Suddenly he has a purpose in life, not earning money, or achieving fame, purpose to be just with someone who equally wants the same from him. And I think this is the strength of marriage.

Most of us, find all the energy to fight work pressures and stresses of life just because of this strength that marriage has given us - a strength that is not acquired, or given, it is inherent! Now after happy and strong five years of my marriage, seeing my friend so happy and complete, somehow refreshes my vows and I suddenly attach even more values to my commitment.

I grew up believing, if I was right, everything was going to be right with me. This belief stayed with me for quite some time. But, I dont know when and how, but with time, I started loosing faith in many things. I became more cautious about people, places, situations etc. An apprehension, leading me to think beyond the obvious, lingered in most of my dealings. I started believing, the world is a tough place to live and I have to be careful! CAREFUL, Yes !

I so much want to revive my belief of yester years, but nothing in the environment backs me up. Today, I happened to see Nicholas Cage and Bridget Fonda movie, "It could happen to you". Simple story but it helped!

So I ask, do kind samaritans exist? If they do, I urge them to show up. To bring back my lost faith and show direction to many aimless survivors struggling to be the fittest.

So what if I started this blog 5 months back (not a long time back eh…), I just wrote my second blog yesterday and today here I am again! So, to me and to all my audiences ( 0 comment is not an indication of 0 audienceJ )… I AM HERE TO STAY!

Every morning when I wake up, I kind of think about my dreams. Mostly, I do remember what it was and feel surprised to have had seen that in the first place!!! It is so dramatic, at times supernatural and hardly something that would make me, say, feel happy.

Freud analyzed some dreams and made many of us believe that dreams are what we consciously or otherwise think/do etc during the day that finds expressions in our dreams. Bless me, for if my dreams were to be expressions of my thoughts said or otherwise, I should have been orbiting in some celestial dimensions now.

But that makes me think again about my dreams. Yours too! What if, we could plan our dreams? I mean, we sleep for 8-10, ok 12 hours on an average daily, and we wake up with dreams we won’t want to own? So, imagine, if we could for instance decide, ok, I want to dream about me winning the jackpot in Las Vegas (be modest to start with), and that is it. I don’t want to spoil the pleasant surprise part of seeing how it happens. Then I can wake up feeling happy! I can go and buy the book “Gambling for Living” and next possible week-end, head-off to Vegas. Who cares if I win or not, I would be having a new dream to pursue by then. Doesn’t it give a better sense to the phrase “when you are given a dream you are also given the power to make it come true” – After all this is your dream now, you own the responsibility for it!

To top it all, the 12 hours of your life are also in your control now!

So, when are you sleeping today? Or should I ask, what your agenda for Dream today?

What if…..

What if I wasn't in any way me...
would I still be I?

Or would you be me?

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For the less spirited and more ambitious souls as mine, day dreaming is an essential means. There is no greater indulgence than to manipulate all the cases and factors of life’s events. This has several benefits, if you see. Since you have thought it all over, you know that you could do it, if you had wanted. So, you have achieved. The chances of failure are zilch. Finally, you do not have to bother about all extra that you need to do – hard work to sustain your success! And what are the side effects? You have a strong likelihood of becoming a thought leader. You have thought almost everything over in your mind and are one perfect place to go to and spend time with. How ideal, this all looks! But for the multitude of such category of day-dreamers, life isn’t so easy. It is extremely difficult to do nothing about your dreams. So, you make efforts and then you think why I didn’t do it the other way. And soon the series of ‘what-ifs’ follow.

“For every action that you take, there are several alternative actions (including no action at all) that give immense possibilities of ‘what-ifs’”

From the moment our parents decide to give us birth, our “what-ifs” have started. At what age of their life, in which city, during which season, how many siblings, so on and so forth all add up to give alternatives to our course of life. The life of the eldest is not similar to that of the youngest; growing up as one child is not same as growing up with four siblings etc. And this is just the beginning of our being. Imagine all the possible forks in life where the path we followed was chosen, by others or by ourselves. It requires mind boggling algorithms to ascertain the path that would have been the best. And bring in the elements of dependencies and inter-dependencies; it is clearly a bad idea.

And... "what-if" continues...